So after a long time at hospital I’m home again and with a heavier heart.
Our baby didn’t have a heart beat and hadn’t grown past eight weeks and six days. I should have been eleven weeks tomorrow.
The staff were all very nice, and a nurse took us into a different room to explain my options now. Normally they’d advise to let nature take its course and call me back for a further scan to check all has gone after two weeks, but (I’d forgotten actually) Steve mentioned we were flying to our holiday on the two weeks deadline. They couldn’t let me do that after what’s happened, so they’ve booked me in for an evacuation procedure tomorrow instead. Normally they’d need to take my blood but as that had been done yesterday at A&E they were able to use that sample rather than traumatise me further.
It’s a bit scary, I’ll be knocked out whilst they go in and do what needs to be done, and the recovery takes longer than the procedure (about 15 minutes all being well) so I have to take an overnight bag just in case as I’ll be waiting around all day for a convenient moment to do it. I’ve also insisted on a second scan beforehand, just to make sure that I’m not doing the wrong thing. I’ve heard too many stories of a second opinion finding something else, and it’s not that I’m clinging to lost hope, but for peace of mind I need to be sure. And I’ve been signed off work for two weeks which takes me straight into the week’s holiday in Menorca so I won’t be at work for over three weeks.
I am upset, but I can’t show it as Joel worries if I cry. And to be honest having him with me is a cheer factor as he’s so lovely. And I had been worried this time as I didn’t feel that things were right inside. So I guess I’ve resigned myself to what will be will be, and I will look to the future. We will try again and hope for a healthier pregnancy resulting in a healthy baby.
Having Joel makes it easier. He is such a blessing. Tomorrow will be awful, I’m not looking forward to it, but I’m hoping it will be easier than letting it all happen naturally.
And I have never wanted to go on holiday so much. That will be a very welcome distraction. Not to mention moving house at the end of the month. There’s a lot of positive things happening next month.
And I will trust that God wil make it happen when its right. I will never understand why this had to end in this manner. But I have to have faith that everything is for a purpose.
So if you are reading this, then please send a little prayer up for me that everything goes to plan tomorrow. The negatives associated with it are a bit nasty and can result in further surgery so I’d love to be in and out again in one day.
I almost still can’t believe this is happening. 😦