Up and Fasting

I woke early this morning.   So did Joel, so we came downstairs for an early breakfast.  No point staying in bed worrying.

I’m not allowed to eat past 7am or drink water past 10.30am so I had a quick bowl of cereal and cup of tea.   Joel had a piece of toast with me.  And we’re playing together before he goes to his grandparents for the day.

I’m starting to feel more achey today.  I’m getting stronger crampy pains and I’m bleeding a little more heavily now.    And I hate being hungry so I’ll be grumpy by lunchtime without anything to eat.

I know, that’s the least of my worries isn’t it.

I just want to today to be over and done with.  It’s going to be horrid, and something I doubt Steve will ever understand.  It’s not just him, I think it’s a guy thing.  This baby wasn’t a reality to him in the same way it was to me.  And although he’s trying to be sensitive he seems to be saying the wrong things.   I went online and ordered a little star charm for my charm bracelet.  It’s just a little thing that will be meaningful for me, but I want this one to count, and be counted.

And in all honesty, I want to be able to try again as soon as possible.  We’ll follow the Dr’s advice of course and wait for periods to come back, but I am feeling positive that it will happen again and I hope it’s sooner rather than later.  I’ve read that conceiving within 6 months of a miscarriage means that baby is less likely to miscarriage than if you waited a year to try.

And I’ll try taking more supplements as well.

So I have a plan.

Obviously, this was a plan too which hasn’t worked out.  But that’s not to say a new plan won’t, and I’m the sort of girl who needs a plan.

So lets get today out of the way and follow Scarlett O’Haras phrase – “after all, tomorrow is another day”.

Sorry, I know that’s cheesy, it just seemed appropriate to look forward.

See you on the other side…..

 

The End…..

So after a long time at hospital I’m home again and with a heavier heart.

Our baby didn’t have a heart beat and hadn’t grown past eight weeks and six days.   I should have been eleven weeks tomorrow.

The staff were all very nice, and a nurse took us into a different room to explain my options now.  Normally they’d advise to let nature take its course and call me back for a further scan to check all has gone after two weeks, but (I’d forgotten actually) Steve mentioned we were flying to our holiday on the two weeks deadline.  They couldn’t let me do that after what’s happened, so they’ve booked me in for an evacuation procedure tomorrow instead.   Normally they’d need to take my blood but as that had been done yesterday at A&E they were able to use that sample rather than traumatise me further.

It’s a bit scary, I’ll be knocked out whilst they go in and do what needs to be done, and the recovery takes longer than the procedure (about 15 minutes all being well) so I have to take an overnight bag just in case as I’ll be waiting around all day for a convenient moment to do it.  I’ve also insisted on a second scan beforehand, just to make sure that I’m not doing the wrong thing.  I’ve heard too many stories of a second opinion finding something else, and it’s not that I’m clinging to lost hope, but for peace of mind I need to be sure.  And I’ve been signed off work for two weeks which takes me straight into the week’s holiday in Menorca so I won’t be at work for over three weeks.

I am upset, but I can’t show it as Joel worries if I cry.  And to be honest having him with me is a cheer factor as he’s so lovely.  And I had been worried this time as I didn’t feel that things were right inside.  So I guess I’ve resigned myself to what will be will be, and I will look to the future.  We will try again and hope for a healthier pregnancy resulting in a healthy baby.

Having Joel makes it easier.  He is such a blessing.  Tomorrow will be awful, I’m not looking forward to it, but I’m hoping it will be easier than letting it all happen naturally.

And I have never wanted to go on holiday so much.  That will be a very welcome distraction.  Not to mention moving house at the end of the month.  There’s a lot of positive things happening next month.

And I will trust that God wil make it happen when its right.  I will never understand why this had to end in this manner.  But I have to have faith that everything is for a purpose.

So if you are reading this, then please send a little prayer up for me that everything goes to plan tomorrow.  The negatives associated with it are a bit nasty and can result in further surgery so I’d love to be in and out again in one day.

I almost still can’t believe this is happening.  😦

Perils of the Internet

For someone in my position, the internet is very tempting for self diagnoses.

I know I shouldn’t, but I’m desperate to read about other women’s stories of bleeding like this around week 11 and having a healthy baby regardless.  And there are lots which is lovely.  And I do really hope that’s the case for me.

Then I looked at a site about ectopic pregnancy and read the ten signs of it:

1. Vaginal spotting or bleeding: One of the first warning signs of an ectopic pregnancy is spotting or bleeding. Although bleeding in early pregnancy does not always mean there is something wrong with the pregnancy, if you have spotting or bleeding you should report this to your doctor. Some other causes of spotting during pregnancy are implantation bleedingsubchorionic hematoma, irritation of the cervix, or miscarriage.   CHECK

2. Slow rising hCG levels: Your doctor may run a quantitative hCG test in early pregnancy if you are having vaginal spotting or if he suspects ectopic pregnancy. Slow rising hCG levels can be an indicator of an ectopic pregnancy. During a normal pregnancy, hCG levels will double every two to three days in early pregnancy. With an ectopic pregnancy, hCG levels may rise but they tend to go up very slowly and not double like they should. If your hCG levels are low or not doubling your doctor may order more blood work or an ultrasound to rule out ectopic pregnancy or other complications.  DON’T KNOW RESULTS WOULD BE IN BLOOD TESTS YESTERDAY

3. Cramping: Mild cramping during early pregnancy is normal, but severe cramping or cramping accompanied with spotting, is not normal and could be a sign of an ectopic pregnancy. Cramping may be on one side or may feel like menstrual cramps.  CHECK

4. Dizziness: Dizziness is another sign of an ectopic pregnancy. Dizziness may be a result of internal bleeding. Dizziness can also be caused by not eating enough, anemia, or not getting enough sleep.  CHECK

5. Pain on one side: Pain on one side is something that you should alert your doctor about. Women may notice mild to severe abdominal pain located on one side. Not all women with ectopic pregnancies will notice pain. Once the tube has ruptured the pain will become more severe.   CHECK, PAINS ARE MORE ON MY LEFT SIDE

6: Rectal pressure, gas pain, or feeling constipated: Sometimes the pain from an ectopic can be mistaken for gas pain or constipation. If internal bleeding has occurred, this can put pressure on the rectal area and can be mistaken for gas pain or constipation. If you are having severe gas pain during early pregnancy don’t dismiss this. Call your doctor.   CHECK

7. Low blood pressure: If the ectopic pregnancy goes undiagnosed and there is internal bleeding, this can cause a woman’s blood pressure to drop. She may feel short of breath, tired, or have a drop in blood pressure.   CHECK

8. Shoulder pain: Shoulder pain may result after the ectopic pregnancy has ruptured. The internal bleeding caused from the rupturing may cause irritation of the nerves which results in shoulder pain. Shoulder pain is an indicator that the tube has already ruptured and if you notice shoulder pain, especially if it is accompanied with other ectopic pregnancy symptoms, you should get immediate medical attention.   NOT YET BUT ON TENTERHOOKS IN CASE…..

9. Nausea: Nausea is also a symptom of ectopic pregnancy. Since morning sickness is very common during early pregnancy, this symptom may be hard to distinguish from normal pregnancy symptoms.    CHECK ALTHOUGH NOT SO MUCH NOW

10. Shock: If the fallopian tube ruptures, a woman will have internal bleeding and may go into shock from all of the bleeding. Ectopic pregnancies can be life threatening. A ruptured tube will require hospitalization, surgery, and possibly a blood transfusion. If you have any symptoms of shock such as cold clammy skin, anxiety, dizziness, sweating, feeling weak, fainting, or having a rapid but weak pulse you should call 911 immediately.    NOT YET, BUT STILL ON TENTERHOOKS IN CASE OF SHOULDER PAIN…… 

When I was first aider at work a woman collapsed on me, went into shock and it was a very stressful time waiting for the ambulance.  I had correctly diagnosed shock and internal bleeding but didn’t know much about ectopic pregnancies.  She hadn’t known she was pregnant, but had to go straight into surgery for an operation, blood transfusion, and was off work for six months.   From that I know what it’s like first hand at the worst bit.  So I can’t shake the feeling off that this could happen to me.

Argh, this waiting to know is just awful…..

Numb….

I had a lovely day yesterday.  I went to Lichfield for the choir’s performance of Verdi’s Requiem.  We rehearsed all afternoon, then had a break till the performance at 7.30.  Steve, my Dad and a friend from church came along to watch.  And it went well.  It’s lovely music, and the cathedral is a wonderful atmospheric environment to sing in.

Then today I felt tired.  I wondered whether I’d overdone it with standing for long periods of time during the day.  I didn’t go to church, and instead, Joel and I took Izzy for a walk and went to my parents in time for lunch.

I’ve been feeling achey the past couple of days but I put it down to growing pains.  Then today I felt an aching pressure down below as well.  Something made me go to toilet after lunch as I just had a hunch, and there it was, the dreadful red wipe.  Bright red, fresh blood.   There were a couple of pea sized clots in the toilet bowl, and on wiping again there was more blood.  Steve and I went straight over to A&E as I was so worried.  I hadn’t expected it now, being nearly 11 weeks.  I’d got past 8 and 9 and had just started to relax a bit more.

On getting there, we registered at the reception and almost immediately were seen by a triage nurse.  I was close to tears and the staff were all lovely.  I then went round to a private room where I sat on a bed and put a robe on.  A Dr came to take my blood and fit a canula.  He struggled with my inner elbows and ended up on my left wrist.  Gah.   A nurse came and took my blood pressure was low so I was hooked up to an IV drip, then a Dr came to do internals.  He said my cervix was closed but the blood was coming from there.  He took some swabs, and after a urine sample (still pregnant) I was cleared to go home.

Pretty much they said I was still pregnant, but I’m under threat of miscarriage.  I have a scan on Tuesday at 9am to see whats going on.  They couldn’t fit me in on Monday (tomorrow!)  I would have preferred to know today of course but I shall just have to give it a couple of days.  I know some folk do get bleeds during pregnancy.  I’m still have regular spotting now.  It started at 2.30 and it’s now 6.30 so that’s 4 hours.  It does come and go.

I just feel so negative.  As though thinking the worst will prepare me and if it’s good news then so much the better.  I’ve got cotton wool buds with dried blood all over me and feel numb.  I wasn’t expecting this.

I think I need as many prayers as possible.

Good News!!

We have a moving date!!!

Everything is going ahead with buying our new house, we have sorted the mortgage, the searches have been completed, the surveys have been done and all is well, so it looks like it’s all going to be fine!

I feel like I can exhale again, as I’ve been holding my breath for ages and not letting myself think about the house move or getting too excited about it.

And now 31st May is the big date!  We have two weeks to pack, then a week away (which will also require excellent organisation of clothes etc…) then we may consider moving into my parents for two weeks to sort out the current house for renting, before getting the keys, ripping out ceiling tiles and fireplaces and getting a plasterer in to get it sorted before we progress with decorating.

The logistics are going to be a bit of a nightmare, and I can’t really take any leave in June due to the nature of my job, that’s the busiest month!!!  I have the first two weeks of July booked off though.

There’s so much to think about, removals vs van and friends, sorting two houses, getting on the rental property market, getting the urgent things done at the new house, and all whilst trying not to stress about scans and pregnancy!!

Life is certainly not boring at the moment….

Parents Evening…

We had Joel’s parents evening last night!  I love the fact he’s only just two and we have a parents evening!

Steve was working till 8.30pm so my Mum came by to sit in with Joel so I could pop up.  I’d tried to put him to bed, but had made the mistake of mentioning that Grandma was coming down.  So he wouldn’t go to bed as he wanted to see his Grandma!!  I didn’t mind.  It just meant my Mum had to put him to bed instead!!  He got very hyper once she arrived, and was throwing his big plastic football around, and was able to catch it which we were very impressed with!   We counted 1,2,3 and gently tossed it to him, and he brought his hands together and voila!  Goalie in the making!

Anyway, the parents evening.  Everyone arrived at 7.30pm!!  It was drop in from 6.30 but with putting to bed we all timed it terribly!  Each child has a folder in which they record the Early Learning Foundation Stages or something like that.  I just loved going through Joels!  They had a parents evening last which Steve went along to so I missed it (Joel had only been there about 1 1/2 months last year) but I started right at the beginning from the notes made about his trial sessions where he wasn’t confident and needed lots of reassurance to make him feel better to now, when he’s developing close friendships with three other children and seeks them out to join him in activities!  He likes to take time in an afternoon to sit in the quiet zone and read a book, normally the Gruffolo!  He’s a popular boy and all the other children like his company.  He is saying a lot of words and his observation skills are really good.  When we walk along to nursery he points out every car, van, bike and nee-naw!!

He will be moving up to the big room come September with Trudy and Sogol and I can’t believe it’s coming around so fast!

It was nice to chat to his key person at nursery, and she only had nice things to say about him.  There are no worries about his development at all.  He has his 2 year check next Friday.  It was meant to be Wednesday just gone, but being at work I had to reschedule it.  He also has the Paediatrician on Monday about his chest.  The referral has come through very fast.  I got a call on Wednesday to say there had been a cancellation and did Joel want it!  Er, yes please!

So I’m hoping we can get some doggy tests done, although he’s not wheezy at all at the moment!  Typical!

So Tired…..

I don’t know whether it’s because I’ve not had any caffeine today or whether it’s just pregnancy tiredness taking a firm hold of me, but today has been sooooo difficult!!  I was tired when I woke and throughout the day have felt worse and worse!

Then this morning my mum text me to say a cousin had had their baby girl at 7am this morning, and they’d called her the name which was top of mine and Steve’s list!!  😦  None of the extended family know we’re even expecting, but a bit of me felt very gutted that the name has been used already.  Steve says we should use it anyway, but I don’t think I could.  I know we don’t see them that often, but it would be strange.  It is a shame as we only seem to agree on girls names.  Mind you, the chances of this one being a girl are I think, rather slim!

I left work at 4pm and got home and in bed by 4.15!!  I then slept until Steve and Joel got in at 5.30.  I had a bit of pizza for tea with Joel, and melon for pudding as Steve is  out tonight, and put Joel to bed at 7.  It is now nearly 8.30 and I’ve tidied Joel’s toys away, sorted a load of washing, put another on to wash, and am ready for bed.

I remember feeling very tired with Joel and having to take an afternoon off just to nap, and maybe this is the same thing?

With the caffeine thing, I’ve realised I’ve not really cut back.  I dont’ drink coffee or cola as a rule, and I just tend to have a couple of cups of tea a day, one in the morning, and one in an afternoon.  But with a chocolate bar that could be taking me over the recommended 200mg a day, so as of today, I’m cutting back.  I’ve only drunk redbush tea today and I guess that could be adding to my tiredness!!

At least I’ve remembered my vitamins and folic acid the past few days!!  I’m not very good at remembering to take tablets!